“Do you remember me? I sat upon your knee. I wrote to you with childhood fantasies. Well I’m all grown up now, and still need help somehow. I’m not a child but my heart still can dream. So here’s my lifelong wish; my Grown-up Christmas list…”
Our 6th and final IUI was unsuccessful. I had hoped to be unlocking all my past posts to share our journey when reaching the ultimate joy. Now, I am unlocking these posts dating back to late August because we’re about to start a brand NEW chapter.
Though he said there was no reason NOT to try IUI a 6th time, in November, our doctor suggested it was time to move our efforts to IVF with PGS (preimplantation genetic screening) because of our multiple miscarriages. In short, this will determine the strongest of embryos to implant and then hopefully attach, and lead to a healthy pregnancy.
I can honestly say, I never thought it would get this far. I went into 2017 with a blind faith that I would finally feel life growing inside me. Instead, I have felt sadness, lonliness, fear and shame. But in turn, I’ve also felt love, support and sometimes pride. When I look back at this year and think we have nothing to show for it, well, in some ways that might be true. But in others, oh how we’ve both grown! At the beginning, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to get through a blood test… by the end, it was 4 blood tests a week and self-injecting 6x a week.
I have to believe that there’s a reason for this broken heart, even if I don’t know what that is yet. I refuse to believe it’s a sign to give up, that we’re not meant to have children. I just refuse to stop until I know all avenues have been explored.
So as we head into the thick of Holiday travel and plans, here’s to a wonderful Holiday a very blessed 2018. xo