September’s IUI (#5) was technically a “success” in terms of sperm finding egg, but I very quickly miscarried. Initial Beta was only at 22 (positive=5; but they like to see “100”), so if there was any silver lining, my hopes didn’t raise much like the last time. But, like the last time, the horrendous heartbreak of being oh-so-close is just way too real.
We decided to skip any October procedure… between not knowing how dates would fall considering the MC, my parents’ visit and a potential business trip for Mike – there were just too many moving parts. Plus, this gave me a little time to grieve and make future plans.
They come and go, but yesterday was a hard day. We have one more IUI allowed on my plan for this coverage year. Not to mention, even after 5 IUIs, it feels like we’re hitting our heads against the wall. The next step is IVF, and thinking about it puts me into a whole new level of anxiety. Physically, emotionaly, and as much as I hate to say it – financially. Can we make it work? Sure… I’ll definitely have to quit my Amazon obsession, but we can make it work.
Reviewing Mike’s health plan renewal and what it’ll cost to add me, combined with actually going through the IVF process put me in a mood, to say the least. And the more and more I thought about it… I got so very angry. We’re a married couple, in our 30’s, with the maturity, desire and means to BE parents. And then my pity party starts… why me? why us? Why do others get pregnant so easily (and for free!)? What did I do wrong? When will it be MY turn?
And THEN, we watched “This Is Us”. Big mistake… BIG. Couldn’t STOP crying during the “motherhood” monolouge (thanks a bunch, Mandy…). But it put the rest of my day into perspective.
What’s that quote “Never give up on something you can’t stop thinking about” or something? There isn’t a day that I don’t think about being a mom, or making Mike a dad (or Reagan a big brother ;). I can’t image my life in any other direction. I can not have come this far, to have only come this far. We have been undergoing treatment for a little over a year now and although we’ve (and the doctors) have learned a lot, there’s still nothing (no one!) to show for it all.
Would it be easier to quit? Sure.
But could I get over that decision? Never.
Even though it worries me at times, I can’t let the financial aspect overshadow the joy of the even possible outcome.
Today is a new day, and tomorrow will be another. Just keep swimming, just keep swimming…