In the beginning of May, my world changed. Our third IUI was successful, and for 2 blissful days my dreams had come true. I was going to be a mother. Subsequent beta tests would ultimately confirm a chemical pregnancy (i.e. early miscarriage). I can’t compare this to the loss of a pregnancy further down the line, I can’t even image that heartache. But my loss, after trying for 2 1/2 years and finally, FINALLY something worked – was a heartbreak many others can’t imagine.
We had decided during that TWW [two week wait] that if it was negative, we were going to take a break over the summer. That feels like yesterday and now the summer is coming to a close. I’ve had some people ask when we’re starting again, and it’s hard, but I’ve tried to “ignore” or at least give a nice, glazed over answer. But the truth is, IUI #4 is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
Previous times, I was an open book. This blog, Facebook, family and a handful of interested friends. And I still can’t express what that meant to me to be able to be completely open about this struggle and have so many sounding boards. That said, it got increasingly harder to wait with good news or spread the bad news multiple times. So I decided that since no one really knew exactly what we were thinking, we’d keep it under wraps for now. Hence, why this post was kept private until now.
And though I am happy with the decision to keep quiet, that does get hard BECAUSE I’ve been so public in the past. I will say, I think about it less, which is actually a blessing.
My husband recently told me that while he very much wants to be a dad, he uses the Serentity Prayer to help him be at peace if we don’t have children. And while I admire his ability to have that inner peace, that statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m not at peace with any thought of giving up quite yet. Modern medicine makes our infertility somethng we CAN change. And, personally, I won’t be able to have that serenity (to accept the things I cannot change) until we exhaust all options that are right for us. So for now, God grant me to “… the Courage to change the things I can…”.
Before the break I felt like our infertility was taking over my life… and our marriage.
So, after a nice summer (except that category 2 tornado) and a great vacation just the two of us, we’re onto #4. Mike and I have always said, with us, 4th time is the charm. It took us four 1st dates to realize we should stay together longer than three months. Maybe we’re just slow learners.
I feel… different this time around. Everything is a little surreal. Like, I know the process and what to expect, but I don’t feel like I’m really “in it”. Like I’m watching to process instead of living it. Feels a little strange, but things are on track. Ultrasound [U/S] yesterday showed one mature follicle and a great lining. The latter being important for implantation and was a trouble spot in the past. This cycle, Dr. Mottla switch up the drug regimin and I was on Letrozole instead of the Clomid. Seemed to do the trick. Truth be told, I’m a little concerned with only one follicle, but Lord knows – it only takes one. And hence, lowers the chance of multiples.
I have my first accupuncture appointment tonight. Safe to say, I’m a little nervous about that too. If you told me in the past I’d be injecting myself with needles and making an appointment to have little needles stuck in me, I’d have laughed and said “what in the world would make me do that?!”. Well, I guess we have our answer to that. 😉
I wanted to start it a month before trying again, but we just didn’t quite know we’d be starting this quickly. Timing just seemed perfect this cycle, so we jumped right in. I figure, at the very least – it should relax me enough for tomorrow. And if this attempt IS unsuccessful, I’ll continue a couple times a week in order to get the full advantage.
I’ve learned so much since started our IUI journey in February. So, going into #4, here are some TWW affimations…
- I will not over analyze and/or Google every sympton
- I will eat healthier, limit the caffiene, avoid alcohol
- I will exercise, or at least do yoga, 3x a week
- I will go for accupunture at least 1x a week
- I will remember my damn vitamin(s)
- I will start and finish house project to distract myself (hello, Fall!)
- I will not check and re-check my potential due date and think about all the events that occur during that time.
- I will not allow myself to think of only this.
OH! And because I see everything as a sign… check out these 2 “Seize the Day” calendar days during this cycle! Both on important U/S days!
So, Faith over Fear. FAITH over Fear.