♡ A Dream is a Wish ♡

A twisted sense of relief…

I am miscarrying… and this gives me a very twisted sense of relief.

Tuesday’s numbers did rise, but only to 307 (+3%). SO – I had an appointment Wednesday for MORE blood work and an ultrasound to try and find the sac of cells, whose location would give us a hint of miscarriage vs. ectopic pregnancy.

The u/s was pretty inconclusive, since they couldn’t find any sac – so we needed to wait for the blood work. Results were then down to 224. This decline almost confirms a miscarriage (rather than ectopic, which would be much more serious). I am scheduled for my next blood draw Friday morning while we’re up in PA.

So those are the facts… the emotional toll however is… ::::sigh::::

As you can imagine, we are devastated. It’s everything that we hoped for, so close, but gone too way too soon. This has been such a long week of extreme up and downs. In a way, I’m “happy” (?) we kinda knew what was coming since Friday – it’s given me time to grieve.

I hope you forgive the randomness of this post, my mind is all over the place.

Even given the outcome, I have to keep positive. WE MADE A BABY! That’s something. Now, to be fair, I didn’t come to that realization on my own. But while I was feeling down and out, a couple of my friends (and my nurse) brought me that perspective (Amanda, I know you’re reading this, so thank you…).

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, the support has been uplifting on so many levels. From random people who I haven’t spoken to in years – who’ve reached out to say they were thinking about me, to the handful of friends who I feel lucky enough to be able to lean on, vent to or sometime talk about ANYTHING else to make me feel normal.
This struggle is difficult, and sometimes I feel like this has taken over my life, not to mention my marriage. The tracking, the monitoring, the blood tests, the drug and injection schedule –  they can certainly take over a life.
Especially now, it’s time for a break. I will never not want a baby of my own. I will forever be wanting to be a mom. But, after 36 months of trying and 7 months of testing and procedures, this girl’s mind, body and soul need a recharge. Some perspective. Some time that does not revolve around my next appointment or injection. And doesn’t summer seem to be a beautiful time to recharge, with nights on the patio with a cocktail?
Keep praying my friends. We’re not done trying yet.
xoxo

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