I don’t even know what to say. Got our results on Monday afternoon that our second IUI attempt was unsuccessful.
I’m just numb.
I put on a brave face. I say positive things to the people ask how I am. But the truth is I just hurt. It is not lost on me that I am not the first person to go through this. I’m not even the first person I know to go through this.
I’m not the first person that has had two disappointments, in fact that’s fairly common, and I understood that going into this. But the heartbreak that goes along with this… I definitely didn’t understand before now.
In my “dark thoughts”, I feel like a dream is slowly slipping away. Somewhere deep down I fear that maybe somehow it’s not in the cards and that just leaves me heartbroken. It’s hard for me to fathom a life where I’m not a mom.
A chat with a friend regarding the timing of trying again referred me to my last blog post and on trusting God’s plan. And, you know, she said that she would understand if I wanted to delay or quit further treatment. But maybe, just maybe, God’s plans for me are to go through this process for some reason we just don’t see yet. So maybe it’s not about trusting God’s plan like motherhood vs. not – maybe it’s about trusting in the journey.
|Flowers from Dawn, 4/12/2017: Keep Praying.
Keep Believing. Keep Loving. Keep The Faith.
Can I just say, my friends are amazing. There are a handful of people who check on me before/after every monitoring, ultrasound, procedure, or bloodwork appointment. They check on me during long waits and send words of encouragement. I will never really be able to let them know what that means to me. Having them in my corner is truly a blessing. Furthermore, they make me NEVER regret the decision of sharing our infertility battle. I can’t even imagine not being able to talk this out.
So, what’s next? Next, we continue onto round #3. Day 1 should be just around the corner, as soon as the medication works it’s way through my system, and then it starts all over again.
Putting #2 behind me and thinking good thoughts. Full steam ahead.