This hits me hard when I read it – even time after time. I get that feeling, you know the one, where you can feel the tingle between your eyes like you’ll cry at any moment (though to be fair, I get that feeling a lot lately).
It’s scary to put those thoughts out there. I don’t exactly practice the “every Sunday” part of my Catholic upbring. And as I got older, I feel like I lean a lot more to basic Christianity than the stricter Catholic following. But please don’t ever confuse that to mean I don’t believe in God, for that couldn’t be further from the truth.
But, do I believe strong enough in His plan? Do our fertility struggles mean He doesn’t want this for me? Does he think I’d be an awful mother? And… just WHY?
But at the end of the day, I have to trust in something. God, for sure. Medicine, definitely. Patience, oh boy…
We’re coming to a close of the two week wait (affectionately known as TWW). We should really just call it hell. Seriously. Actually, it’s like limbo. You are to act/do as if you ARE pregnant. You have massive amounts of hormones going through your body – so you are mimicing signs of pregnancy. Yet you’re still waiting on the actual news that will hopefully change your life. There’s a cruel joke in there somewhere, I swear.
I’m pretty sure there were at least 30 days in the last two weeks. Definitely felt longer than last time. Maybe cause I’ve been there before. Because I’ve gotten that phone call. The one you pick up with a cautiously optimistic and a little excited “Hello?”, only to hear the “Oh, Dana, I wish I had better news….” on the other end. Then trying desperately to ask what you need to ask before the ugly sobs start.
So here’s the thing… this post, I’m not really complaining. Just being real. Seriously, if you could hear my thoughts sometimes… Emotionally, this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
But here goes nothing… “Beta” test Monday morning – results by 3 the same day. And BREATHE…