This weekend definitely brought a lot of feelings to the surface.
Saturday we celebrated the anticipation of a new baby coming into the family. And while my joy over another’s happiness/blessing is never meant to be shadowed, my emotions were definitely all over the place (couldn’t possibly be all the hormones, could it?! ;).
While driving around with my mom, I expressed a thought… what if this doesn’t happen. And then it happens. A knot forms in my throat and I can’t breathe.
I have seen this “Happiness” quote in some way or another for awhile. But only recently does it hit home in a way I never thought of.
I have a truly beautiful and blessed life.
A big crazy beautiful extended family, some truly life-long friendships, a roof over my head, a job I enjoy, and a cute pup to boot. And (best for) lastly, a husband who truly adores me – and looks at me that way that every young girl dreams of being looked at. Like, how Disney princes look at their princesses.
So, I’m blessed in more ways I can count.
But never before in my wildest nightmares did I factor in NOT being a mother. It went without saying.
So it’s hard to even put into words the hurt I feel when I dream I’ve wanted for so long (and spent years finding the right guy to dream along with) is just out of reach even though I am doing everything I possibly can to make it happen.
But that’s just it, isn’t it. “…doing everything I (we) possibly can…”. It’s out of our hands. We’ve taken the cues and sought out help for our infertility. A step that was just as, if not scarier, than all the actual treatment/procedures. The future is up to a higher power that we just can’t explain.